love makes seman taste better
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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