I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
