I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm too high and old for this...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
