I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
