The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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