Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You dont lie about slip and slides
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
