I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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