You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
