Do you still have your period?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
