i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
