Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
