The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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