no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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