Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
