My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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