that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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