my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
