I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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