best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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