So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
