if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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