We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
