I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Sext me about skeletons
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
