My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
