I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
