My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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