A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
