Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
