**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
