dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
