So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
