When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
