well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
