i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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