My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
