I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
