I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
