you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
