Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
