First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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