hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
