He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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