He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
