Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
