I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
