Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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