Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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