First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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