remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
