I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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