$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
