OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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