It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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