Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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