you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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