i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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