did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
