Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
