Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
